A particularly frustrating morning

Well, I'm in my last weeks of my PhD and I'm scrambling to write my dissertation. On top of that my husband is putting all this pressure on me to get life worked out. Geez how I hate how all of these things are on top of each other. I hate the emotional roller coaster that waves in and out of my life. I hate then trying to compare myself and my situation to other people and trying to see if maybe someone else has it worse and that I should maybe curb my unenthusiasm and just do what would make him happy. I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out how to make him happy and he just keeps beating on me (mentally). It's tiresome. I just want to focus and get this dissertation written. I sooo want to take a break after all of this and just be for a while. I never took a break after my first degree. I had planned to take a year off and figure out what I wanted to do. I had planned to get my mind together and just work and make some money. Instead what ended up happening was that I got rushed into a doctoral program. I had planned to go into the doctorate anyway, I just wanted some time before I started to rest. 6 months? 9 months? Instead because of the nature of academia I rushed into a program. And then I rushed into this program that I'm in now. Technically I'm glad that I did what needed to be done. But right now I'm just so on the verge of cracking. But there isn't any time to crack, there isn't any time to break down. There isn't any time to just be. I would probably enjoy taking a year off after this PhD is finished and have a kid and get a job doing something sort of related, and make some money. But that's not what's in the cards for me. Instead I'm working my tail off trying to organize a Post-doc for myself, manage to deal with the relationship with my husband so we don't fall apart (we're hanging on threads right now), and manage to get him a visa, and manage to get him a job, so that maybe he'll be satisfied enough to actually do what is needed now. No, do I really want to spend another few years on a shitty amount of money working to get a post-doc line on my resume so that later on I'll get a good job in a university. And then on top of it my husband doesn't even want to go to the states really because he wants to get his certification in engineering so he can provide for the family. yes, life is very stressed and frankly I don't get enough satisfaction out of it most of the time. I made promises and committments that I can't nor do I really want to get out of. But given that I'm now married to this man who has so much control over my life I am forever needing to somehow explain to him how life looks to me and forever fighting wiht the fact tha the just won't understand. and it's a constant drain on me. Do I want to divorce? No, not really because given that we have a daughter together and I will not desert her, I will be forever stuck in this location until she is 18 and I am able to go back to the states to be with my family. meanwhile one of the reasons I got married and had a child so quickly was so that my family would benefit. and here I am on the other side of the world from them and they aren't getting any of the good stuff and we're constantly eating a bitter life. Ugh. That's what I can say for the moment. Definitely a hard period to get through and I sure hope to hell I get something good out of it at some close point.

A little more about me

A lot of the tastes about who I am are listed in my interests above. I am an incredibly hard worker, but lately have felt a bit burnt out. I usually put myself last and enjoy seeing others happy after my own work to make them happy, I like to feel satisfied and accomplished in my life and know that I am actually doing important things in my life that affect the world. I have a love of history and love of understanding and knowing how others see the world. I am interested really in how the world functions in its spiritual, physical, and historical aspects. To me, archaeology and geology are the same thing, just one is the history of people, the other the history of the planet. I'm a very detailed person, one of my weaknesses and one of my strengths. I always offer good advice to people, so I'm told, but never can really take advice from anyone but my parents. I try to keep my expectations down in people that I don't involve myself in, but wish that those people I am close to will come up to my expectations. After all, I don't expect them to care any less for me than I care about them. I guess I just must be particularly sensitive to feelings and how I think about other people. I wish people would sometimes think more of me in my similar way as I think of them. This last year has been particularly rough in my life and I feel I've grown a lot and have been forced to come head to toe with a lot of realities I wish were not realities. So I'm going through a phase of disappointment as I grow up and becoming more introspective because of it. And because I don't want to lose the optimism and enthusiasm that has been my strongest and proudest qualities in myself. Thus, I am here. Read my first post and you'll see more. Hopefully we'll get to know each other more as time goes on.